Tan-ta-na-nan... me!!

I AM GOING FUCKING INSANE! NPIMH: INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!!

I abhor this feeling,
of dreading things that 
I actually do not know
and I can never know.

I worry A LOT. Yes, sometimes I can be fickle and not walk what I preach in life.

Yesterday, I got very nervous for no reason at all? my chest became heavy and I started to dread for things that may happen: my mother getting weaker. It is actually a thing that may not yet happen for a couple of years because my mother is constantly reminding me that she does not feel anything bad. I do trust her, because she is not a very good liar; if she feels alright then she is. However, pictures, stories, messages thrown at me signifying my fears are appearing out of nowhere! and this makes me a whole lot crazier. I COULD NOT AFFORD to lose my one and only family. NOT YET! The fact is everybody gets frail at some point in their life and will have to meet their maker but not my mother YET.

That's the only thing I worry about.

I stumbled and fell this past few months because of the numerous trials in my personal and professional life involving resources, career, and education. PEOPLE have fucked me off, people who hides in the devil's coat and false prophets. This took a toll on me and I am starting all over again with my life. I felt lonely during those times and I am asking to please do not do another harm on me today.

I AM BEGGING GOD TO MAKE US HAPPY AND HEALTHY. I WOULD FIGHT FOR MY MOM AND MYSELF. I WOULD FUCKING FIGHT TILL I BLEED NO MORE.


Although I have kulot, this sense of being all alone in the world does not leave my body. He is not the answer, but my faith. Speaking of my faith, i believe it is still under construction thus I am really vulnerable. Add the fact that I am an only child, got no close relatives to love me like how my parents did. I have trust issues with people too, I have been with a lot of bad crowds and this caused me so much pain.

BUT, there is a flicker of light that caught my attention. As I wrote every words in this entry, tried to look for a picture of the term "worry" and this is what i immediately saw:

I really do not know how to react. Is this my answer? answer to what? I just don't know. Although my confusion inevitable ( I am just a damn stupid human) I will still thank our almighty. Somehow, this picture figuratively placed a caring hand on my shoulder.

sigh... I have to breathe.

Let me breathe...

I am still on with the pangungulit God.